how to use lesbian advice to buy nice knickers....

The lesbian guide to buying underwear for ‘your bird.’

Few things send men into a tizzy faster then buying sexy frilly bits for their missus. I should know. I worked in lingere for two years.

I have seen it all ladies. The sweaty palms, the shaking. The nerves and the fumbling. It’s funny in a way. The lesbians always sweep in and know what they are doing. They know the inside scoop on how to give your partner exactly what they want frillies wise for the big day. (Mainly, maybe it’s just me but when your tearing the clothes off I always notice if the underwear is nice. Then again I refer to the aforementioned lingere job so it’s like programming)

So I thought I would write a little guide to help those amongst us who don’t know how to do it……

 

1- KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

I once helped a man who didn’t know his girlfriends bra size. So to counteract this, he took a good long look at my breasts and said, ‘I dunno, bigger then yours.’ He was one step away from asking to handle my own breasticles. The hand was out, the step back was taken, my hand hovering never my panic alarm. It wasn’t pleasant. So, men folk, for god sake. Bite the bullet and approach the unapproachable. Your ladies knicker drawer.

Done it?

Good, you're in.

Ok, knickers for women fall into four basic categories.

1 – For every day wear. These are your cotton, patterned shorts or comfortable pants. Not something we would want you to see but if it happens we wouldn’t run a mile. These are not what you are going for .

2 – The show pants. These are the things we buy even though they hurt us. They ride up, down, sideways and everywhere except where they are supposed to. They normally are quite sexy, frilly, lacy or in some cases, leathery. These are pants you wear for the ride you know is coming. These are not accidently sexy. They are our third date drinks and dinner pants. This will play a part in my explaining to you how things work later, so pay attention.

3 – The work pants. These are things like spanx and seam free unsexy things. We wear them because the body con came back. Because we had children and all sorts of other body changing experiences. Anyway, it comes down to this, buying a women spanx for valentines day will get you slapped. And not the sexy kind of slapping. The kind that hurts and will be told to her friends (including the one you wouldn’t mind a go off) over cocktails in SPY some night. Generally, you will be called a bastard.

4 – the period pants. These are things you should never venture into. Large, cotton, unslightly and generally horrible. These are practical time of the month ladies things. They are only to be worn at this time. Never again. They are truly rotten. But so many levels of comforting. Because all we want to do is  cry and have a snickers at this time anyway. So, put these back where you found them.

 

But the main thing here is to note the bra size and the pants size.

If your in doubt, go a size too small. If you can’t remember if she is a size 8 or a 12. Go with the 8. Because in times of assessment by her ladyship. She would be delighted you thought she was an 8. But buy a lady who is an 8, a 12, you will get slapped. Avoid this at all costs. Just write down the size.

 

Ok STEP 2 : ASSESS THE UNDRESS.

I always used to ask guys what color. Because as some people prefer dark chocolate rice cakes, some people think yogurt flavoured ones have the edge. So, some women like red knickers, others think it makes them look like that whore you slept with in Thailand.

What you need here is analyse. Is there more red then black? More black then yellow? Is there frills or smooth cups? Does she wear a lot of patterned ones?

Take notes here. Because believe me, there will be a theme. Apart from a set of tartan knickers, suspenders and bra, all mine do. (Do not even venture into tartan. Believe me, it’s more trouble then its worth)

 

STEP 3 :  DON’T HOLD BACK.

There is nothing cheaper then the man who buys the underwear even though the whole set is there. It pays to pay. Even if it costs serious money. We are trained when selling you knickers to understand you don’t understand and suggest these things. Believe me, it works. You need to do the whole bra, pants, suspender belt and suspenders routine. Get the sales assistant to wrap them for you. Pop them in a box. Tie a ribbon around them. (take the price off) it doesn’t matter if you get the set in the sale or whatever, but don’t just get one item. Get the works.

 

STEP 4 : DON’T INDULGE YOURSELF.

I once had a man come to me who had wronged his girlfriend. Wronged in her in the kind of way that a sleeping with a stripper on a stag do and not calling her for 3 weeks wrongs a lady. He wanted to apologise and say it with knickers.

He had done the flowers, the chocolate and the jewellery. He had done the facebook message and the dinner. What was left?

The underpants.

So he trotted around the store looking at everything. Again trained in the art of avoiding couple sex toy/underwear related arguments I steered him towards some lovely floral ones and other gentle girly ones.

‘No, he says. These.’

And held up what the girls of Stringfellows would have called time on.

The leather crotchless panty. But the apology didn’t stop there. He also bought lube, a paddle and a leather bra thing that was essentially little more than nipple tassels.

Needless to say, this didn’t go down well. And the girl in question cried, screamed, was mortified and came back for a refund the next day.

So, this can actually work. If you and your partner are in a stable loving relationship where you know all about the others desire to get spanked and called daddy, then you know this is a way to indulge your partner and is something you do.

But if your not sure, slept with a stripper or have never seen her wear things like that before. Don’t go there. If you want to go there. Choose another date to ASK her beforehand. Before you whip out the whip.

 

Step 5 : WHERE DO THESE THINGS HANG OUT?

Go to a lingere shop. Again, if you heard her say Agent provocateur once or twice. Then go there. It’s in Brown Thomas. If you heard her say Penny’s, ignore it. That’s where the 4th type of pants mentioned above come from. If in doubt go expensive. Seriously. I hate to say it. Really, I do. But if you can, do. Also come to acknowledge the sales assistant as friend, not foe. She will guide you through every situation. Just don’t measure her boobs against your girlfriends. She will call security.

 

STEP 6 : UNDERSTAND THE SYSTEM

Ok, bras are measured in 2 sizes. Back size and cup size.

Back size is the width of the back (duh) and is measured in numbers. 32 is small and it carries on going.

The cup size is measured in letters. A is small (unfortunately) and ranges to H. If your girlfriend has large breasts and is a D+ then you need to try figleaves.com which stocks larger sizes. It is totally possible to be a 38G. Ann Summers go up to a G cup now.

Pants normally come in sizes 6 – 26. Ann Summers normally go up to a 26 -28. So it is possible to find it in her size.

Suspender belts are measured like the pants. 6 + or come in small, medium, large, x large. Suspender stockings are small medium, large. If she is tall, go for large. Trust me. I’m 6ft. I know what I am taking about.

Ask for stockings not hold ups if you are buying a belt. Hold ups have a sticky layer which sticks to skin but makes attaching belts impossible. If your not getting a belt, go hold up. Believe me, the sales assistant will drop dead that you know what the difference is.

 

STEP 7 : UNDERSTAND THE LINGO

Know the difference between a padded bra and a half cup bra or a corset. Not many men do. And it’s the difference between the couch and the bed. Well, not that bad but, if your girlfriend is quiet and likes comfort and has small boobs. Then maybe a nicely colored push up bra. But buy this girl a corset with wires and no padding then it just shows you don’t really know.

 

I hope you have found this educational. In some way shape or form (ha ha ha ha ) and I hope everyone has a lovely valentines day. If your single, coupled up, snuggled up, texting someone, sleeping with someone, sleeping with that stripper from the stag do again or merely in love with a pair of dior sunglasses you saw on ebay. Straight, gay, transexual, confused, determinded. I hope you enjoy your day. Xoxo. Miss Penny

Sorry about the delay in publishing this article as I had some issues with the computer - sadly my laptop bit the dust. Luckily I have the MAC which marches on and lives to fight another day, etc......